Emo.

A year ago today , or any other year of today .. I'd be comfortably tucked in my bed , peacefully sleeping then comes my mother running into my room and screaming in my ears.

"Wake up ! Lets make some tong yuen !"

...

God , I fucking hated that.

Grumpily , I'd slowly crawl back to sleep and 10-15 minutes after that along comes my sister engaging in a hyperactive sugar rush sort of mode and start jumping violently on my bed and remorselessly shaking my soulless body back to consciousness. It never slipped my mind how much I hated every bit of that .

For some reason , I woke up today .. I rubbed my eyes , I straight at the door for a moment.. hoping that maybe my mother would walk in the room and gently ask me to join them making tong yuen or even my sister shaking my head off from my neck . Obviously , none of that happened. Instead , I realized I'm actually at Kah Chiun's place

As I sat there , in his house I looked at the clock and as I looked at the clock , I visualized what I'd be doing at that time a year ago . I remember how much I loathed making one of those tong yuen's . Its bloody sticky and I think it tastes like shit , but when my mother asks how is it . I'd tell her

"Great."

Then , we would gather round and have dinner together . Me and my dad would look either grumpy or expressionlessly sleepy and once again my sister would violently shake us back to awareness. I never liked sitting by the dinner table anyways , I never saw the point in it . I always asked what the hell could be the difference?

This year , I went home .. I walked the empty hallways and noticed , no one is home . I took a deep sigh and walked back up to my room . I sat there in my room , reminiscing about the old days. I suddenly realized how much I actually missed the feeling of having a whole family making that round shitty ball known as a tong yuen. I walked down and asked my mother if there's any flour for me to make some .(Its the whole layan diri thing just like what I did during Mooncake Festivals.)

and my mom said...
"You want to eat some of those don't you? I remember how much you used to love them but there ain't any flour."


What she failed to realized is I never liked eating it , I chuckled

and I replied...
"Hahah yeah , I kinda miss the feeling of having an entire family around ."

As I said that I could feel tears desperately trying gush out , I held it in and walked away . I did not want my mother to see me in tears. I never realized how much I've always let pride get in the way of things. I never realized how much , I just wanna hug my family and tell them how important they are.

...

But my pride is always there to stop me.

I went back up to my room , I sat down and as I reminisced back to the old days I've came to realize how important all those little things that thought I hated were important to me . Its funny that once I'd kill myself if I had to do one of those things again but now I'd kill to have the privilege to do so. Sometimes life is just such irony don't you think?


I miss having a proper family .

...Really.